Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That was an excessively violent trivia night
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
