dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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