turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
