I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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