Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
