we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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