She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
