First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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