It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Houston, we have a blender
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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