so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
