hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
