I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's never too late to be topless.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
