apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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