I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
