Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
the liver wants what the liver wants
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
