At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
