Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
