You're so nebulous sometimes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I pour the whiskey from now on
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
