I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
