i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
