I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
