Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
