I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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