Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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