I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
