He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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