Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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