My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have post one night stand depression
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