Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
