Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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