Soap is not a condiment
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
All I want is dick and wine.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
