i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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