I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
