I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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