shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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