Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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