how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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