Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
