my phone needs a breathalizer
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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