I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
