i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
