there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
