i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I pour the whiskey from now on
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
