i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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