If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
