I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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