Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
