if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
