Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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