Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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