my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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