so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
