life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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