a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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