I have demons in me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
